This will have two versions, one with what I wrote last February 23, 2015, and one with April 4, 2015.
There will be mixed emotions and realizations happened on these periods because I didn't edit my last entry. I thought that what I felt last February will be the same as of what I am feeling of right now, but no. IT all changed suddenly. That's why I need to post again.
[FEBRUARY 23, 2015 ENTRY]
But what happened?
I played Phantasy Star Online 2(PSO2) with my brother. lol
I already started the audio last year, but I haven't finished recording, and doing MVs, which is very important also.
My brother and I stopped playing for a while starting when I have a class, it's because if I continue playing it, I might get addicted on that game and suddenly lost that chance to study more! ('cause look at my schedule below!)
I'm so free at that time that I don't even know what to do. I set my planner that this day will be the day of shoot, but time goes by, I'm so choosy on the weather of the day to shoot on rooftop. I don't mind if I get delay, as long as I'm still ok and free. I thought it's just like that,
but later on I got tired, emotionally tired. I don't know what had just happened on myself. It feels like what I'm doing doesn't make sense anymore. Why do I need to continue this useless thing while no one will appreciate this one, right? Everyday, after school, I always ended up going back home alone, and doesn't talk to everyone even though I know some people there inside the class. For the whole day, what I did is to dream that I'm already popular with other members, and enjoying our lives being an artist. I'm very desperate. I wanted to cry.
But what can I do?
My heart has been torn apart from the last year's experiences. I was blown away starting when my friend has been passed away. I'm so depressed. No one in real life doesn't seem to bother me and ask me "Are you okay?", instead, when I intrude them, they'll say "Why are you even bothering me?", or sometimes "Move on, please.". No one even understands me that I need someone to talk to, feeling that he or she's always there beside me. No one. Not a single person.
What do you feel when that thing happened (your friend suddenly passed away), and then, you're on your way on midterms - finals, then you're doing the programming that you really don't know 1000% ALONE, and people keep avoiding you just because you're so emotional since he passed away?
It's so hard right? They don't even know the whole story of us before it happened. It's so fast. I mean like, very fast. I'm not going to tell the story here, but I can make a novel out of it (non-profitable) for you to know what really happened.
So, when January has been started, I said, "I'll change.". Well, when I played PSO2, I already changed into a narcissistic type of person. I don't mind if people care for me. Just talk to me if you want to, and I'll not bother you anymore when you don't need me. I love myself, and I don't fall inlove on other people. So that attitude suddenly brought up on starting of the class, that's why I became emotionally tired.
People think until now that I'm still the girl that they've used to last year. Very loud or noisy, bullying people (lol, I mean making fun of them), and etc. Yes, I let it stay those kinds of attitudes, but they don't see that I don't need them much unlike before, that I don't bother them on personal things. Nothing. No more. Yes I'm still noisy on some people (trying to be close), is it's because, if I stopped on having attachments at least 1 person, I might get emotionally tired again. Inshort, I'm just using people as source of my entertainment, not anymore as part of my life like I wanted to be with you because you're very... something like that.
Later on, after the day of the birthday (which was last January 18), my old friend talked to me. I don't know why. I was stunned, I said I didn't expect this. I already made a distance to all of the people around me but why is he still trying to reach me? I cried after that. I wanted to be with him so bad since almost 3 years ago, but I'm trying to get far away from him because it hurts a lot to me, like I know that we're not really meant to be (no, I'm not trying to say these things in a romantic manner. We've not seen each other for around almost 2 years, and you know, the distance of our house and his house is just sooo near.). I wanted to know more about him but... So I was really shocked that he PM'ed me and said
"Why did you remove me on your facebook, and why are you going to be inactive again?"
I laughed and said "Are you going to miss me?"
He answered "A bit."
That answer gave me that realization.
There are people who still cares about you even though you don't talk to them anymore.
I cried at that night, asking Why is he still trying to talk to me? What's something special about me? God, I wanted to end these things. I'm not worth for them anymore. Then later on, I said
"I'll leave my all to you.
I don't mind if they still care for me or what.
But what matters is that I'm still here,
and trying to be for everyone.
As long as you're with me, I'm fine.
You're the only one that I can rely to, right?
It's up to you on what you wanted me to be.
I'll just do what I wanted to do
because I know
that this will make a change for everyone in this country."
===
Starting that day, I finally realized that people don't leave you even though you feel like you're very far to them. I wanted to thank those people who are still with me until now.
Please bear with me as I go along on my future path. I may still look busy, but, hey, just PM me, or leave me a message on gmail, I'll answer you back.
I really wanted to thank my peers especially Ad Infinitum, and my friends, especially to sdsd, and cvcvcv. I owe you a lot. Ililibre 'ko kayo pag okay na 'ko ahaha.
(Updated: 4/27 = removed their names. I think it's better than to state it..)
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[APRIL 4, 2015 ENTRY]
It was really painful when I saw read that entry again. Expected to be appreciated by those people that I expected. Either of those two people that I mentioned on the last statement that I wrote above that made me feel sad, or either it was my self who made me hurt all the time. (only two choices. I know that, but I don't know who's the cause of this depression.)
Yes, that entry was the time when that guy helped me emotionally without him knowing. No, it's not that I like him, but, well, you should know how it feels like when no one talks to you personally 24/7 right? I'm an entertainer since I was young, and it's hard to resist not to think everyday if they appreciated my existence, my efforts, everything from the start.
(I'm having trouble speaking English right now because I'm hungry. haha)
As time goes by, I became lonelier than before, and I think it's better to be lonely, I said to myself.
No one really understands me though, but I was stupid, why am I befriending an opposite gender and trying let them appreciate of who I am? Really weird, right?
That's why, one day, that girl who was a year below me (meaning she's a first year college at this point of time), talked to me and trying to irritate me again (not really irritate, but she's just keeps on talking and I'm perfectly fine cause I can see myself on her). I reflect myself on that girl. Why is that I ignore her most of the time? And I'm finding someone to put trust into? So by the end of that day, I said to myself that she'll be my closest friend here at this university.
But the saddest part is, I did a placebo effect on myself. When you say placebo, it means that putting something that will think that a victim feels better when he or she use that without knowing that it's fake. (for example, a medicine tablet replaced by a candy without the victim's knowing that what he's drinking is just now a candy, but he said that it made him feel better than before). I said to myself that she's my closest, but she doesn't even know my background, or we haven't even talked to each other personally and on social medias most of the time. It's lame, right? But it made me feel better than before.
Lying sometimes to yourself is a good way to make you feel better I guess. I don't know what is the other way around, but, as long as I'm fine right now, I'll not worry on what future will it brings to.
Lately, what makes me built up confidence were those seminars that I attended on Google. I met several professionals and it makes me challenged that I wanted to become like them, so I'm doing my best to become a programmer and at the same time, this entertainer thing.
But now I got desperate and I wanted to end this song. It hurdles me not to cover, cause now, I can dance again! So I'm very excited, so here, I immediately finished this song, and will publish one once again by the third week of May (1st Digital Single) named Pinipilit (I'm trying to).
I gained self-esteem right now, so even I don't talked to everyone of what I feel, nah, I don't care! It's like I'll do everything what I wanted to do! Like singing, dancing, developing android apps, everything! I love myself, and I totally love that I'm very flexible because I can do almost everything even though it's basic!~
Gonna eat ramyeon! bye hahaha xd
[END]
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